Pls read.

My blog is mainly for u to read. But I don't know if u r reading, or even, have u read once. When every other of my frds are all reading, why don't u read it? Is it so satisfied when u neglect what I think?

And then when I ask for one more thing, I just scare u feel pressure and go away again. And then I start to hate myself.

Probation.

I want probation. I want probation. I want probation. I want probation.
But I am glad we can have talk like b4 tonight.

Raining song.

When it's raining outside in some bad weather days, I remember that night how u told me about that song, in a precise and impressive way. Your wordings are so concrete. And makes that not-so-good song memorable for me now.

I am not that no memory of everything as u said, I just remember what I treat important.

Sad person writes.

I have told u all that writing is not a happy act actually. Happy people don't write much, as far as I know.

I am reading my beloved writer Nick Hornby's old book "Speaking With The Angel", that I bought from amazon weeks ago. It's a short story collection from different good writers (like Nick himself, Irvine Welsh, Helen Fielding and Patrick Marber etc). It's a book contributed to TreeHouse, a special school for the autistic children.

Nick Hornby, himself a just-so-good writer of our generation, writes so good, thinks so good, presents story so good, but have an autistic son ironically. And I really look up to him, that he can still treat all in a black humor way. But I am sure he is a sad person.

* * *
U must have a good trip today. I hope it is a good trip, then u can have some happiness there that a little gal should have, though the weather is not good actually.

* * *
I am sensitive enough to know clearly people's reaction, coz I like to observe silently from I am very young. And from the training when I am very young, I can know how a doggy think now, how a friend shown his/her anger secretly, how a gal (that I want) refuse me without words. Yes, I know.

* * *
My mum came back HK from her long enjoyable trip. I am delighted she enjoy her life even though she suffers so many when my dad left us. So I have to try my best to show her that I am a healthy happy person now, when we dine tonight after almost 3 monthes haven't met.

Bert the evil.

I love Sesame Street's characters much more than Disney's. I don't hate Disney's. I am not. I love Donald Duck and Goofy actually. But I prefer Bert, Ernie, Count von Count and Elmo, of whom all have silly eyes (I love everything silly: silly eyes, silly mouth, silly words, all haunted me).

Among them all, I love Bert the most, I don't care there is urban myth about Ernie and Bert have some kind of special relationship. But I just treat them as brothers living together.

And I just find Bert the silly, has evil side. Check this dutch website : www.bertisevil.tv. Funny enough.

Yes, everyone has some evil part inside his body. When u did anything that our kindergarden teachers told us not to, u r evil already. Coming back office late, telling lies, don't respect others, being unconsiderate to others, expect others too much, being stupid, being childish, being jealous, everything above mentioned are all evil acts. And I must be very evil indeed. So do u.

I try very best to beg for some tickets and this is surely for someone's sake, coz I want that someone to be happy. But someone broke promise. And I feel sad. And I don't know what to do. And u are evil too, just like me. And so do everyone.

Gdnite.

Hope everything is fine for u. If it's too difficult, rest yrself and continue tmw. Apart from gdnite, i can't say anything.

Pls calm down.

To someone,

If u r working on a job that U like, pls try yr best. Think of the best way to do it and act yr very best.

Because there are so many people in the world which is doing some jobs they don't like.

Pls calm down, work hard and enjoy it.

Chet.
When u r reading here, I am also being here.

Indifference.

U won't believe it, I got an A in both F.5 and F.7 economics classes. So economics must be something I love when I am young, if not I won't waste time to study it. And if i am not to choose studying film, I think I will go the economics/accounting/banking way.

This subject teaches me many which I can still apply now: how to look at a problem at different angles, and how to predict something from the past experience.

Apart from the economics jargon "Opportunity Cost" that many others know, I got known the word "Indifference" from the subject. It's a very meaningful word to describe many things: the state u got no good and no bad, it's "indifferent". After so many years living alone, working alone, and with some different girls besides me throughout all these years, I am the king of "Indifference" now.

Life is indifferent. I am very down at winter last year, then I got some excitement that I trust is so real for me during the middle of spring and summer (but it isn't finally). And autumn comes, indifference comes back to me, again.

Get up, talk to people, write something, back home, watch some DVD with my eyebrows didn't move anyway, eat alone, feed doggies, take a bath, listen to some music, read some book, re-read some messages, hug doggies, sleep quietly. No happiness nor sadness within all the above acts. Just none.

Best line.

Leon Lai, if u know who he is, acts poorly in many occasions. But the 2 best love movies in 90's here in HK, he is the main cast.

"Comrades, Almost a Love Story" and "City of Glass" are both good movies indeed. They are not art house ones, but still deserve mentioned.

The best line in "City Of Glass" :

"The moment I didn't look for u, is the moment I miss u most."

A concrete one to indicate an immuture end.

Very true. I think of these lines, when I am listening to the autumn song.

Naming.

Met a very good frd today, during the time I haven't go to work.

He will be a father in the near future. And I use whole day, hang with him, to think of a nice and good name for her soon-born daughter.

As far as I concern, name should: 1, have a meaning that parents treasure, like honest, like gentleness; 2, have an expectation that how u want the baby to be, like healthy, like happy; 3, should be accompanied her future english name (not many people on the world know chinese, to be precise). Don't call me too old fashion regarding naming a baby, it's our tradition and I am a traditional man.

We think a lot but of coz there's no concrete solution at the end, left them two to decide. So all of u have any suggestion, left in my comment, I will told him back for sure. By the way, his surname is rare: Kee.

He told me the baby will be born around Oct and Nov, well, I think a Libra is better than a Scorpio, although Scorpio gal is sexier, but Libra gal just can draw my attention, I don't know why.

Summer and winter are not for me.

I hate summer coz i will be melted down. I hate winter coz I will get sick easily.

The only season I love is Autumn. The pace here in HK just like to be slow down when Autumn comes. And I love everything slow.

I remember N and I are the same at this unique point: we can smell the coming of Autumn. We really can. I am not lying. The air is not the same, if u pay more attention on this aspect.

Autumn, for me, means an end, though it's not what I want. Just like seasons come, u can't told him not to, but just follow and accept it.

Comix house.

I am there, but this time I am alone.

Still sick heavily. Don't want to work tmw.

Fly.

When I am sick, I didn't go out and stay nothing to do at home, I have more time to think. Think of many that I won't think when I am busy.

And I find that I want to give up something I treat important. If your trying is a burden to others, u should give it up, to make the whole situation better for everyone. I am tired to be a hatred fly anymore.

I am now listening to some Jack Johnson, to ease some difficulties in my mind, and to stay relax. That will be fine for me, I hope. Thank you.

199029.

Yes. 199029 is a joke now.

Old changed place.

Best friend's birthday tonight, though I know I got a fever, I go half-deadly to join him for some drinks. That's what friend's are for.

At 330am, we have not much choice. We go up another old place of us that we haven't been to for over 6 or 7 monthes. People there still remember we 2(coz we r always stupid there, when we r drunk in the past, just 2 men), but the place has changed a bit now. Not the decoration, not the drinks, not the lighting, not the chairs, it's the atmosphere and air I breath in that I can feel, it's changed.

After some poor wine, I can't stand the change anymore, and so we left.

Gone back home, still don't want sleep though tired enough, I drink some more by myself, just like many nights in the past. And I miss my mum very very much. Everytime I got sick seriously, I think of when I am very young, how my mum hugs me tight, touch my ear, calm me down without much words, till I sleep. I feel secure when my mum calm me down without much words. But it's the days in the 70's already.

Take care everyone I rate important. It's much colder now.

Holy.

Running nose running nose running nose, back pain back pain back pain, feeling cold feeling cold feeling cold, but I haven't wrote one single word and it's already 516am. Holy.

About writing.

Writing is the most loneliest act in the whole universe, no matter u r writing brilliant words, or trashy words.

I moved out to live alone when I am very young. Although I am closed with my mum and bro mentally, we are never closed regarding the places we live. I have to face the hatred of being alone when I am very young.

And I write a lot. I am an art student. I have to write lots of papers just like other art students do. And then I am a reporter from some magazines, and my work is to write for them. And then I published some books, and I wrote a lot. To conclude my life for over 30 years now, I write.

And I know how lonely is to write. U think of your words in your brain and write them out by your hand. No one can help u think in your own mind, and no one can write for u but by your own hand.

So when I am very young, I always ask my little gf, who lived with me, to sit besides me when I am writing my papers in the middle of the night. She agreed but fell asleep once I started to write. When I was writing for my books, I always ask my ex gf, who lived with me also, to sit besides me when I am writing, she agreed but again, fell asleep once I started to write.

They don't know how important to be for their presence, just being besides me, talk to me, show their presence to me, when I am writing. Just like what I will do for the one I love, no matter how tired I am.

I got pretty sick tonight b4 I start to write. Feeling freezing at the month of August is not normal. And I have to face the hatred of being alone, again.

Willy Wonka.

She sits besides me now. Our wednesday night again.

I haven't go cinema for over 9 monthes now. It's weird for someone love movie so much. I just can't go in again. Don't ask me why.

Then I ask if she can go cinema with me afterall, for her 2nd time for the Chocolate Factory. Her answer is NO. And I don't ask her again.

Chocolate Factory, I mean the new one, the Tim Burton and Johnny Depp one, should be seen by us two. And what I get, is another refusal. I must be glad.

And then I keep my silence.

The writer is not happy.

The talented writer is not that happy, she told me secretly.

Of coz I understand and know well, the feeling of refusal, when the one refuses u is the one u want most from. Just a gesture, a facial expression, a wording can hurt the most, especially for the sensitive one. And writers require sensitivity.

All I can write it here now, is to hug your doggy tight, cry out loud, walk him silently, talk to him. He will understand. Yes, doggy knows.

To be continue. I want to write about a writer someday.

Old Suede and online now.

I have loads of trashy works to do tomorrow morning, but I am now keeping online. My ICQ list have 2 little boys that I like so much. They r both good graphic designers for the next generation. I told all of u that I have some age now, and I clearly know what is good and what isn't. They are just good. I got known them by chance, and I can't stop liking them two.

And I am listening to old Suede's song Trash. A good song u like the most. I remember Suede coz I remember u, silly.

To the talented.

Keep on writing, lovely talented. I know u r watching now.

I love yr writings, she praises yr writings also, everyone rates what u wrote. Pls be kind to yr talented little bf, and yrself.

This is what I want to say, to the future important female writer of our generation.

Stage 5.

Yes, I dont care who will read what I write now. We are stage 5 already (u know what I mean). But we are stepping backwards to somewhere I don't want.

I want I want I want i want. I am serious. Everyone knows. I want stage 6, then fast to stage 10.

But I end up, sigh. MU.

Munch.

Yes, I love graphic design and I know graphic design. I just love graphic guru of my generation, Mike Mills, Geoff McFetridge, Michael Leon, to name a few. Don't get me wrong. Graphic design is the modern and effective way to communicate with watchers, when word is already an old fashioned outdated way for so many impatient people.

But my visual appreciation is trained up at the university, in those art history lessons.

The professor is a good and well-known one, of whom I regard is the best one inside my trashy school. But I still skip many lessons in those days. U already known, I love girls much much more than lessons, from long long time ago.

And I remember at the end of a lesson I haven't skip, the professor told me he would talk about the miserable Edward Munch next lesson.

I haven't joined that another lesson finally. But I remember the name Edward Munch, coz the pronounication is so difficult. And I went into library and bookstore, to read about him and watch his works.

I must admit I love everything from scandinavia, the wooden furniture, the toy design, even the fonts came from there. If my seaman father is not that nevious when he's young, I was already grown up at denmark, I told u this before.

I love Edward Munch's works. He's a Norwegian. He is a psycho. He is sad during his whole life. He is sad from he's a little boy till his death. He draw to express his sadness and anxiety to the world.

The work "Scream" is so very popular now, to some extent I am afraid to tell others I just love it. But when I first saw it in Munch's picture book, I am really impressed.

A man standing at a bridge somewhere, with some people also on the bridge, he's just scream out loud coz he can't stand something anymore. But not even one notice him.

At the end of the day, sadness came from this fact: u r the only person screaming loud, but no one care and know.

Tottenham Hotspur, WE9, Now TV, and U.

I get used to this kind of weekend finally. And it's glad the England's Premium League kicks off today.

The team I support when I was a form 1 boy (yes, when I choose something, I seldom change actually, a team is for your whole life, that's the attitude one should have, but not support another team every different season), Tottenham Hotspur or simply Spurs, play a good game. And they win.

Spurs is a special team in football history. They play beautiful football, they don't treat results very seriously. In other words, if they have to choose between good-looking football and good result, they will choose the former. They are the team best described by 2 words: STYLE and PRIDE. I love them because of what they are. But I also suffer much coz they are always not the champion team.

My home has no pay TV b4. I just got the Now TV days ago. I joined the Now TV coz u love to watch TV. I always think next time u come here, at least u can have some more things make u happier, though I am not sure if u be here again anymore.

So after my Spurs win, I got back home, put in the disk, use my team Spurs, on Winning Eleven 9. It drives me away from always waiting something good to happen at weekends. And that's better for me.

Have u watched how my team won at some place? Have u read how happy I am when my team won?

I want to go to london, the White Hart Lane football ground, to watch my team play, with u.

Delected.

Wrote many last nite. Trashy words they are. But delect them all now.

I scare of people more than I scare of big whale.

3 nights.

We meet 3 nights this week I must admit I am happy. Though I don't know how many nite we won't meet again from now on, I worry.



In the other side of the world, N meet another him for over 3 nites I guess. Irrational makes one foolish, Cas and Ces hate it most, I am sure. It's none of my business whatsoever though I care and miss Cas and Ces. Hope her god bless her. I am not a pot, to be precise, I am Chet.

Mosquito.

100805, a very bad day for me, from many aspects. I don't want to use words to rethink them all again. I just want it passes me fast.


I am the kind of people who will remember mosquito. And so maybe I am finding someone who will remember mosquito.

What can I do to make u think mosquito is memorable?

About Sputnik 1, and your hand.

Sputnik I, from the Soviet Union, about the size of a basketball, is the world's first artificial satellite, weighed 183 pounds and took about 98 minutes to orbit our earth on its elliptical path.

Mr. Murakami is too true to write the fiction "Sputnik Sweetheart". The fiction itself is not that good, but it states that, one person and another person come across at sometime and go their own way afterwards, without any closed contact anymore. It's a one off. And never meet again.

One off. So precise to us.

We talk, we sms, we email, we go out alone, we play alone, we drink alone, we write some stupid playful words together, I hug u, I kiss your neck and your face, and then u r with me at my place alone. And then we departed. And then we go far away and away now.

Just like how I hold your hand tight, then u get rid off of mine suddenly. But only 1 second and it makes the history, my history.

Even meter u delected and never watch it again. Yes, we are 2 Sputniks. Though I don't want to be one.

As though I had wings.

A very heavy title indeed.

Yes, if I had wings, then I have many feather to wash when I have nothing to do, and I no need to be in the stink crowd of the Mass Transit Railway, and I can fly away when I have done things wrong.

When I woke today, maid comes already. It's already afternoon. I am still sleeping at the ground. And another she is gone already. I have no idea when she's gone.

Last night is different from other nights another she is here. We didn't do anything. We just sleep together. But the point is, we didn't do anything. It's so different, for her and for me.

And then I still got no response from her. I phone her coz i want to hear from her and we have 1 min conversation. And then I turn on my computer again, listen to some Elliott Smith, some Aimee Mann, some Kings Of Convenience, and write some words.

As though I had wings. I wish I can know whether u have read what I write here.

Another she's sleeping quietly now.

Another she phones me at saturday night : Is your she here with u?

I said : No, she won't be with me during weekends, even though she's not that much with me during weekdays now also. And she's not mine, to be precise.

Another she : What are u doing now?

I : Nothing. Just pass my time silently with nothing at all.

Another she : Do u know what I am doing?

I : I really have no glue.

Another she : So why don't u ask me back after I ask u?

I : U will told me, I know it.

Another she : No, I won't tell u.

I : Do u want to be here tonight?

Another she : Ok. If she's not here. U told me she's wif u there sometimes.

I : I go downstairs wait for u 20 mins later.


And another she comes up. We sleep together. I just need someone. And another she needs someone too. We don't talk much. I think another she know who I want actually. Another she is a clever, gentle and pretty girl, though I don't like her long hair. We hug tight, kiss and sleep together. Till 600am, I wake up suddenly. Missing she.

And so I sms she. Let she know what I think in a very frank manner. I dont want to hide anymore. I want she, every second every hour every day.

And another she is sleeping quietly now, when I am typing all this. I wish another she is she, but another she is not.

And then Carter barks suddenly, very impolite indeed.

Someone needs S3.

And I think blue is much much much much prettier than red one. Only low b one think the opposite.

I am a bit drunk. Take yr gift.

And I can only do some push up alone at my place, when no any response from u.

And I can do more and more push up recently. I can do 100 times continuously now. Good for my healthy indeed. thank you very much.

-, always -.

Seldom english words can be represented by symbols. All those words which can be represented by symbols r lucky, coz they have another identity. Like "Dollar" is "$", like "And" is "&".

And the word "Negative" is lucky too, coz it can be represented by "-".

There are so many times now, if not all, that I received from her, is simply, negative. So NEGATIVE can be used concretely to represent our relation.

Even something is purely positive, what I got from her mouth from her reaction from her gesture from her body movement, are all negative. Maybe saying things negative to me makes her happy, makes her satisfied. But for me. I can only treat everything from her r all real negative, even maybe sometimes she want to reveal the meaning of positive. Yes, even maybe sometimes. But I just don't know. I am too foolish to know. I am too tired to guess.

She's busy she's tired. Neither do I?

Maybe it's time for me to get back prepare for my job -- doing some negative trashy interview tomorrow morning and then to write some negative trashy words for my living.

Silly, don't be afraid, I won't ask u for anything positive from now on. Bygones are bygones. U will never be here like the last 2 times I know. My name is Mr.Negative.

Ears.

Frankly speaking, I love to touch her ears. And she let me do that. She's just shown her gentleness and fragility silently when the car moves silently. It's beautiful.

Her ears are not that perfect. The shape is not that good, from the public's point of view. But it's a pair of unique ears to me.

That pair of ears should not be touched by me actually, given that I haven't reveal many of her facts.

Touching ears, as an act, is so intimate for me. I won't let others to touch my ears, never, except she's the one I have accepted to sleep besides me.

So I don't know why she will let me to. I am feeling strange when I first touch it and she allow me to. And then I keep on touch her ears gently when the car moves, for I scare I will broke the fragility she has.

Maybe coz she don't want me to touch other parts of her body again, and then she allow me to touch--her ears.

I hope she will remember that, that moment I touch her ears.

Poor shadow.

A shadow can't live by himself, coz a shadow is not a shadow without someone.

A shadow can't speak, eat, drink, when he wants to speak, eat, drink.

A shadow must remain silent, even though he don't want to be silent.

A shadow have no choice, but just can follow. He can only be the passive one, wait for something good happened to him.

A shadow helps a lot, but no one will treat shadow important.

A shadow is not a shadow when there's no light. A shadow have to disappear, without choice.

U won't love a shadow coz it's only a shadow.

Trashy fiction.

Drink wif best frd again at usual monday nite. The atmosphere can't make me calm down, just a drink, then the feeling to be alone suddenly hits me. And I walk through my beloved park to my home.

I talk to N tonite. She knows me the most, almost becomes 1 person in the past, but we r still 2 persons finally. She teaches me so many things, to be precise. Her frd once talked to her, in all the colours he is grey. But N already changed me from dark grey to medium grey, a very great achievement for me actually. Do I want her? Yes, but can't. Happened is happened. We r both sad, I am sure. I just want N to be wiser in her coming days, and live happily. I miss Cas and Ces very very much.

And then 0122 told me she will phone me then. Huge of questions in my mind: when is then? why just phone? I got loads want to talk to 0122, tonite is the perfect nite. Not tonite is not tonite already. And not tonite means nothing meaningful already.

Maybe it's only me rate many thing too serious, but the world is not going to think what I think, or rate what I rate. I am the one can't fit in, from I am a child to I am a man now. I just can't fit in.

Everytime when I want to be serious and focus, the world think I am not serious and focus. I can't change this. And it confuzes me a whole lot, others can't understand. But I really want to be very serious and very focus ah. I am tired and exhausted.

Can anyone told me, that my writings of the start of my fiction, is it in somewhere safe she treasure? Or it becomes a trash and thrown away long long ago? I need to know really coz without it, I can't complete my own trashy fiction. Do u understand?

I sleep la, it's what I receive finally.

I am grateful I can talk to her after all. She's too young to take matters seriously, with deep thought, with consideration of others.

We listened to some new and unreleased vibes between telephone, I give some comments, and after 1 hr, she's sleepy and we hang on.

Deep silence surrounds me again. Carter and Curtis slept already on my feets. I am alone and use many time to think, think of finishing the whole thing.

And then I phone another her.

And then I phone another her. We talk till she received another call. She's a very very gd gal, from my memory. My memory won't be wrong. She's the one who really care about me in our days, I almost wif her for my days. She's not bad after our days, I am glad.

I have some age now. I am not like my old me now. But I am too bad in the past, so I am bad now, alone and lonely. It's the process I must face myself.

Many arounds me and many left. Only me here, wif my doggies.